I am not a good father; I am just fortunate to have good children
Children needs to be given the space to make their own decision and be responsible for it.
I had a conversation with some close friends the other day when one of them talked about the difficulty he was having with his daughter, who is going through her national primary school leaving exam (PSLE) this year.
He said he often faced challenges when it came to managing his daughter's technology usage, particularly when she continuously engages with her iPad and chats with strangers online via Discord at the expense of her studies. He felt helpless and frustrated after many failed attempts to talk sense to her. He is now resorting to threats and punishment, threatening to ban her from the Discord app and punishing her by taking away the iPad for good.
This immediately triggered an intense discussion among the group with heated exchanges on what is right or what is not right, with each their own stand.
As a parent, it is understandable to experience a sense of helplessness when your child continuously engages in online gaming at the expense of their study and chats with other strangers despite your concerns. It is only natural to feel worried about their safety, anxious about their lack of interest in studies, and frustrated by their apparent disregard for your rules and instructions.
While the initial instinct might be to threaten punishment and take away their iPad, it is important to remember the adverse effect it may have on your children in the long run. Instead of punishing the child, are there no other approaches?
I did not take part in the discussion, nor did I express any views on potential approaches. When it comes to parenting, I know I am nowhere near good. I am, at best, a work-in-progress, and I dare not step forth to claim what is right and what is not.
Indeed, it is commonly believed that the upbringing and education of children play a vital role in shaping their character, values, and future success. It is easy to say, but saying it and doing it are two different things. It is not easy when you are a parent who has to face the challenge on a daily basis. There is no written script to how one might be a good parent; it is very much up to individual interpretation on the right things to do or say. What works for you may not work for him.
I can understand my friend’s predicament because for me, I have my fair share of parenting challenges. I don’t listen enough, I don’t guide them enough, and I don’t play with them enough. For every mistake they make, I blame myself more than I blame them.
I don’t lead by example. I am not a good role model, and I can’t lead by example in many instances. Though so, I have a simple rule; things that I don’t do, I don’t say. Children are highly observant and tend to imitate the actions of their parents. The last thing I want them to imitate is my flaws. Hence you won’t find me advising someone not to play with his iPhone when I, myself, can’t live with it for a day. I won’t tell my children to be a top student when I myself was a terrible one. I won’t give advice I know I won’t practice.
I don’t judge what is good. My daughter, when she was still in her final year of secondary school, came home one day with her midyear result slip. In it, she failed several subjects, but she needed my signature; hence she reluctantly approached me for it. The only words that came out of my mouth that day were, “Are you happy with the results?” She responded with disappointment that she was sorry. “So, what are you going to do about it?” I asked. She then says she is going to work harder for her prelims and ‘O’ level. I signed the slip with evident tears flowing in my eyes. I gave her a tight hug and tearfully said, “I am disappointed with your results because I know you can do better. I am anguish, but because I love you, I choose to believe you.” I didn’t punish her or restrict her freedom in any way. On the contrary, I offered to bring her out for dinner. She was in tears, evidently affected by my earlier words.
Honestly, I didn’t do much as a dad. I didn’t spend time coaching her, I didn’t spend time bringing her out for dinner, and I didn’t spend time enough time naturing her. I treat her like I would like my parents to treat me when I was her age. If there was anything I did, it was to do what I do best, always ready to send her to school and occasionally fetch her back. Bring her for her enrichment class and wait there patiently for her to finish. That is the kind of duty I undertake as her father.
When she came back with her results slip for her prelims, they weren’t fantastic either, only good enough to pass but with some subjects still below the belt. I asked if she was happy with her results, to which she replied yes. I said to her with a heavy voice, “I was not entirely satisfied, but if this is what you want, I will respect your decision.” I then gave her a tight hug and signed the slip. I was disappointed, but I knew giving her unnecessary pressure won’t help with the situation.
Life goes on, and she still plays on her iPad and computer like she normally would. I didn’t hold too much hope. I was mentally prepared to accept whatever the outcome might be or whatever she was happy with. When the big day came to receive her results from school, my wife and I took leave from our usual work and accompanied her to the school. She was anxious, and so were we. I was only hoping for a pass and, better still, if she would be good enough to get into a junior college.
When the announcement came, she and a handful of other students were called onto the stage by the principal. After gathering the group, the principal then announced they were the top performers of the school who had scored six distinctions and above for their ‘O’ level exams. The audience raised in unison to applause, and the girls on stage went jubilant in celebration. I have never had the experience of how it felt to be singled out to be among the top. Clearly, my daughter has done better than me.
I can’t describe that feeling, but it was an indescribable wave of joy pouring through my body. At that moment, my heart filled with an overwhelming sense of pride and elation, at the same time, a sense of surprise and disbelief. It took a while for the reality to sink in. At that euphoric moment, being a witness to my daughter’s achievement, I was amazed by her dedication. I struggled to comprehend fully the hardship my daughter has undergone, the arduous journey she had undertaken to arrive at where she is. All this while struggling alone and in silence. If she were to accuse me I wasn’t there for her when she needed help most, I would be guilty as charged.
My wife and I were in tears when our daughter approached us from the stage. We didn’t say much other than to hug each other. The only thing I could remember saying to my daughter was, “You made me very proud, darling.” And all she did was look me in the eyes and smile.
So when my friend asked me for advice, I didn’t know what to say. I am not a good dad; I am only blessed to have very good children. I don’t judge them, I don’t restrict their freedom, I don’t help them, and I don’t offer advice that I don’t practice. In fact, there are many things that other dads do, but I don’t. The only few things I do is trust and support my children for the decision they make, but I will express my disappointment (with tears when deemed necessary) when they hurt my heart, and finally, be mentally prepared to accept them as they are.
As a parent, it is important to ask what makes you think you know best. If you make a decision for them, you have to take responsibility for that decision made. The younger you start making your children be responsible for the decision they make, the quicker they will grow up. I don’t believe in threats and punishment. I believe in trust and responsibility.
If I don’t agree with the approach they take, I won’t directly challenge the decision they make, but the rationale they used to make them. Once the decision is made, I will respect them and I won’t use it against them, even if the shit hits the fan. I do get angry at my children at times, but I will not show my anger or threaten them, I will also not hesitate to express my disappointment.
My children have grown to be sensible for their age. They know how to rationalise, argue and defend their way. If they can reason their way with me and win, even if I still feel they are wrong, I will accord them the respect they deserved, because when the bull wants to ram against a concrete wall, sometimes you just have to allow them to bang their heads, albeit in a controlled manner. That way I find, they will appreciate you more than if you try to stop them.
In the end, I don’t regard myself as a good parent; I just think children needs to be given the space to make their own decision and be responsible for it. We must help fine tune their rationale for the decision, but we mustn’t make it for them high-handedly.
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Winston, In my eyes you are a great dad. D
That’s probably one of the better arguments for parents in raising their children. By asking them how they feel about a bad decision or outcome they’re responsible for they learn that the consequences of their decisions are theirs alone.